Today while I was trying to wrestle my restless mind into my meditation practice, I had this flash back of all these memories of hurt, and judgement, and resentment, and pain, and hatred that I’d unleashed onto myself, and I just started balling. I felt this lifetime of anger I’d directed at myself, and I realized that, through all my traumatic experiences, no one has done more damage to myself than I have. Nobody has ever hated anybody as much as I hated myself.
But with that realization came this overwhelming understanding that through it all. Through all the hateful thoughts, judgemental stares, and self sabotaging actions, I was just doing the best I could to protect and safeguard my heart, in my own warped way. I don’t know what I’m trying to say through this except I guess that, this experience isn’t unique in any sense. No one is void from this, and also, no one is alone in this. So this is a reminder more to myself than anyone else, that everyone is just doing their gosh darn best in this crazy flipping world. No matter the mistakes that people in my life have made, or that I have personally made, we were all, every single one of us, just doing what was modelled to us from others who haven’t healed their own hurts, and doing what we thought would protect ourselves from more pain. So what that boils down to for me is acceptance. Acceptance of myself, of others, and of everyones unique journeys back to who they truly are. And this self acceptance and self love stems not from a place of scarcity but overwhelming abundance, that once we fill up ourselves up with love, we can’t help but let that love spill out into the rest of the world, and into everything we touch in our lives.
My hope for myself and for others is that one day, we can all reflect on ourselves and realize that nobody has ever loved anybody as much as we loved ourselves.
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